News / Culture, Remezcla

Mexican Mustaches Are Not Made of Pubes And Other Important Concerns

Twitter: @AndreaGompf

Mexican Independence Day is this Sunday and in celebration we are going full on Mexican at Remezcla this week güeyyyy. For the next seven days Remezcla will be known as ReMEXcla, if you get my drift. In related news, I love terrible puns and I refuse to apologize for it or ever stop using them. ANYWAY, today we are celebrating the alluring display of vigor that is the Mexican Mustache.  First, however, I’d like to clear up any potential misconceptions about the subject matter at hand. While researching images for this post (aka Googling) I was somewhat disconcerted to discover that the top two Google results for “Mexican Mustache” are as follows:

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If you’re not already familiar with Urban Dictionary (hi mom), let me explain: it is an extremely popular user-generated database of slang definitions. About 80% of the website’s millions of unique monthly visitors are under 25 – so it’s a pretty accurate reflection of the slang that young people actually use. Also important to note is Urban Dictionary’s ranking system – it allows users to ‘thumbs up’ or ‘thumbs down’ a submission –  ensuring that the best definitions rise to the top of the list.

So, basically what this tells me is that among the 25 and under internet using population, Mexican mustaches are most popularly associated with a) an embarrassing lack of virility, or b) a preposterous sex act. We can do better, youths of the world wide web. Especially since there are, in fact, so many epic Mexican Mustaches to choose from. According to a 2010 study performed by Ask Men, Mexico is #2 on the list of Top Mustache-Dense Countries. The study never really specifies whether the density refers to amount of mustaches per capita, or to the actual quality of the mustaches themselves, but I’m going to go ahead and assume Mexico is a world leader on both fronts. It’s time we change the conversation and give these mustaches a little shine. ¡Arriba los bigotes Méxicanos cabrones! Here are some of our favorites:

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VENUSTIANO CARRANZA

Venustiano Carranza was one of the leaders of the Mexican Revolution, eventually becoming its 37th President. His Wikipedia page has an entire section devoted to his apparently lame, humorless personality, but I find it difficult to believe someone with so much follicular flair could be that boring. I guess his former allies weren’t that impressed by his healthy stache and 6’4″ frame, though – they assassinated him in 1920. RIP Bewhiskered One.

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EMILIANO ZAPATA AND PANCHO VILLA

More Mexican revolutionaries! The early 20th century was the golden age of mustaches, I guess. These two became national heroes when they rose up against Mexico’s hacendados, seizing hacienda land for distribution to indigenous peasants and soldiers. They famously transported weapons and powerful state secrets across enemy territories in their handlebar mustaches. That last fact has yet to be confirmed anywhere but my mind; I stand by it nonetheless.

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FRIDA KAHLO

While the world of bigotes tends to be male-dominated, we don’t want to be machistas – plenty of women have a little stache going on (probably more than you realize, since we’re encouraged to to bleach, wax or shave all of our body hair). Our girl Frida said “Fuck that noise, this is my hairy face and I will immortalize it in paintings and you will love it.” And she did. And we did. And we still do.

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CHEECH AND CHONG

This Grammy award-winning comedy duo taught us a lot about Mexican-Americans in their song “Mexican-Americans.” Sample lyric: “Mexican-Americans don’t just like to get into gang fights, they like flowers and music and white girls named Debbie too.” If only they had made a YouTube tutorial about how to light a roach without setting your enormous mustache on fire…

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Meet “molly,” a freshwater fish found in Mexico. Some of the male members of this species have growths above their mouths that resemble mustaches, the purpose of which long remained a mystery. This just proves to me that there need to be more women fish scientists – the purpose is CLEARLY to look hot to lady fish.German biologist Ingo Schlupp recently confirmed this evident fact, and actually took my immediate hunch a step further: he posits that mustachioed males use the mustaches for oral sex, which is why the lady fish prefer them. Makes total sense to me.

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